How to Talk to Your Partner About Dying of Hypothermia in 10 Easy Steps!
Broach the topic In January
- Broach the topic In January, when you are officially north of the wall.
2. Stare lovingly into your partner’s eyes, while reciting the 10-day forecast. Your partner’s eyes might be closed because it’s 6:50 in the morning, but don’t let that deter you.
3. Repeat the 10-day forecast, every three hours. Intone it loudly from the office, whisper it by the fridge door while your partner is making lunch, or send it in a text. They will be startled and / or chagrined, but it’s important to know how to plan for the 2-degree grocery run.
4. Liven up the 10-day forecast with a dramatic reenactment of the hour-by-hour forecast.
5. On Thursday, the wind chill will be -18 degrees. Only by saying this 10 million times will your partner grasp the magnitude of the situation. Don’t smile while you say it. No one likes the self-satisfied, self-taught meteorologist.
6. Death from extreme cold can be nicely broached over hot cinnamon spice tea, a kick to the shins, or while you wait to see whether the car engine will start or die.
7. Continue to repeat the 10-day forecast as if you’re clubbing a baby seal over the head.
8. On day 10 of the 10-day forecast, announce that the new 10-day forecast looks even worse.
9. Recite the lowest temperatures of the week while your partner reads a book. Let the reality of this Edvard Munch nightmare absorb through osmosis.
10. Leave “Weather on the 1s” in the background like an Eskimo blessing:
May the temperature rise up to meet you.
May the wind be blocked by 20 layers of waffle-knit thermals.
May the sun shine upon your dry, cracked skin;
The snow plowed clear upon your drive,
And until we meet again, may your body temperature remain normal.
